Jun 15, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

June 16. In 763, the Assyrians recorded a solar eclipse. In 1381, the English peasant revolt, was crushed in London. In 1648, Margaret Jones was hanged in Boston for witchcraft--the first such execution in the Massachusetts Bay Colony. In 1667, the first fully-documented human blood transfusion took place when a 15-year-old boy was transfused with the blood of a sheep. In 1752, Benjamin Franklin flew a kite that sparked an idea--electricity. In 1921, Bessie Coleman became the first licensed female African-American pilot. In 1970, Charles Manson went on trial fo the murder of Sharon Tate. In 1983, the US Supreme Court reinforced its position on abortion by striking down state and local restrictions. In 1986, Pravda, the Communist Party newspaper, reported that the chief engineer at Chernobyl was dismissed for mishandling. In 1992, Dan Quayle misspelled potato. In 2012, Nik Wallenda successfully tightroped over Niagara Falls. Happy Birthday, Lisa del Giocondo (Mona Lisa model), Adah Isaacs Menken, Margaret Abbott, Hilda Terry, Ruby Nash Garnett. It's Global Wind Day and National Salvation Day. Mission: GO TO IMPEACHMENT RALLY AT TERRY SCHRUNK PLAZA AT 10:30. Pass wind and you will be saved.

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Jun 8, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

June 8. In 1786, commerically produced ice cream first came on the market. In 1869, the suction vacuum cleaner was patented. In 1887, the punched-card calculator was patented. In 1949, Helen Keller, Dorothy Parker, Danny Kaye, Fredric March, John Garfield, Paul Muni and Edward G. Robinson were named Communists by the then-misguided FBI. In 1949, Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four was published. In 1953, segregated restaurants were outlawed in DC. Happy Birthday, Marguerite Yourcenar, Wilhelmina Barns-Graham, Joan Rivers, Sara Paretsky, Mary Bonauto. It's Engineer's Day in Peru, Bounty Day in the Norfolk Islands and World Oceans Day. Mission: Figure, appreciate, swim & lick.

 

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Jun 1, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

June 1. In 1495, a monk named John Cor recorded the first known batch of Scotch. In 1779, Benedict Arnold was court-martialed for malfeasance, that damn malfeasance. In 1869, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric voting machine (argggh). In 1938, baseball helmets were worn for the first time. In 1954, Linus' security blanket made its debut in the "Peanuts" comic strip. In 1962, Adolf Eichmann was hanged in Israel. In 1974, the Heimlich maneuver was published in Emergency Medicine. In 1980, CNN began broadcasting. Happy Birthday, Julie Tatham, Marilyn Monroe, Morgan Freeman, Alanis Morissette. It's Global Day of Parents and World Milk Day. Mission: Do not malfease.

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May 25, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

May 25. In 1787, the Constitutional convention opened in Philadelphia w/George Washington presiding. (Yes, they are all rolling over in their graves.) In 1844, the gasoline engine was patented. In 1895, Oscar Wilde was convicted of a morals charge and sentenced to two years in prison. In 1925, John Scopes was indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution in Tennessee (early MAGA zombies led the charge). In 1935, Babe Ruth hit his final homerun (714th) and Jesse Ownes broke three world records and tied a fourth in Michigan. In 1978, Keith Moon performed with the Who for the last time. In 1981, Danile Goodwin scaled Chicago's Sears Tower wearing a Spiderman costume. In 1986, 7 million Americans participated in Hands Across America to raise money for the hungry. In 2006, Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of conspiracy and fraud for the downfall of Enron (back in the day when corporate monsters were actually held accountable and convicted of their crimes. Lay died before serving time. Skilling was recently released to a halfway house.).  In 2011, "The Oprah Winfrey Show" went off the air. Happy Birthday, Mathilde Verne, Theodore Roethke, Raymond Carver, Jamaica Kincaid, Amy Klobuchar. It's National Tap Dance Day, Geek Pride Day and International Missing Children's Day. Mission: Dance shamelessly and search vigorously.

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May 18, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

May 18. In 1096, in the First Crusade, 800 Jews were massacred in Worms, Germany. In 1593, Christopher Marlowe was arrested for heresy. In 1652, Rhode Island passed the first law making slavery illegal in North America. In 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed emperor of France. (Ban emperors!) In 1860, Abe Lincoln won the Republican nomination. In 1911, Mahler died and his last word was "Mozart." In 1953, Jackie Cochran became the first woman to break the sound barrier. In 1974, India became the 6th nation to explode an atomic bomb. (Big whoop!) In 1980, Mt. St. Helens erupted, killing 57 and causing $3 billion in damages. (Felt like the end of the world!) In 1998, the federal government and 20 states filed an antitrust case against Microsoft for controlling in a "choke hold" 90% of the market. In 2005, a photo revealed Pluto had two additional moons, Nix and Hydra. In 2018, a school shooting at Santa Fe High School in Texas killed 8 students and 2 teachers. Happy Birthday, Gertrude Kasebier, Margo Fonteyn, Lillian Hoban, Jeana Yeager, Tina Fey. It's Revival, Unity and Poetry Day in Turkmenistan. Mission: Act Turkmenistani. And laugh. And REGULATE GODDAMNED GUNS IN AMERICA.

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May 11, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

May 11. In 1792, Robert Gray commanded the first expedition (by white people) down the Columbia River. In 1934, a two-day dust storm stripped the topsoil from the Great Plains and created the "Dust Bowl." In 1947, the tubeless tire was created. In 1949, Siam became Thailand. In 1960, Adolf Eichmann was captured in Buenos Aires by Israeil agents. In 1972, John Lennon was on "Dick Cavett" and said the FBI was tapping his phone. In 1987, Klaus Barbie went on trial for WW2 war crimes. Happy Birthday, Harriet Quimby, Martha Graham, Gladys Davis, Anna Marguerite McCann, Carla Bley. It's National Technology Day. Mission: Not to be contrary, but why not put the technology down?

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May 4, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

May 4. In 1715, the first folding umbrella debuted. In 1776, Rhode Island was the first colony to declare its freedom from England two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted. In 1886, the gramophone was patented. In 1919, Chinese students demonstrated in Tiananmen Square in protest of the Treaty of Versailles. In 1961, the Freedom Riders began their ill-fated bus trip through the South. In 1970, four students were killed by the Ohio National Guard at Kent State. In 1987, live models were used for the first time in Playtex bra ads. Happy Birthday, Marianna Martines, Jane Jacobs, Tatiana Nikolayeva, Audrey Hepburn, Oleta Adams, Alison Britton. It's Dave Brubeck Day and International Firefighters' Day, Restoration of Independence Day in Latvia, Star Wars Day, World Give Day, World Naked Gardening Day and Youth Day in Fiji. Mission: Restore independence for your whole body and get naked. Soar. Give. Then take five.

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Apr 27, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

April 27. In 1509, Pope Julius II excommunicated Venice. In 1861, West Virginia seceded from Virginia after Virginia seceded from the Union. In 1880, Francis Clarke & MG  Foster patented the electric hearing aid. In 1938, Geraldine Apponyi became the first American woman to be a queen when she married King Zog of Albania. In 1945, Mussolini was arrested by Italian partisans while attempting escape disguised as a German soldier. In 1965, Pampers were patented. In 1974, 10,000 marched in DC calling for Nixon's impeachment. (hint?) In 1981, Xerox introduced the computer mouse. In 1983, Nolan Ryan broke a 55-year-old major league record when he struck out his 3509th batter. In 1989 student protestors took over Tiananmen Square in Beijing. In 2006, Keith Richards was admitted to a hospital in Fiji after falling out of a palm tree. In 2019, the so-called POTUS told his 10,000th lie. Happy Birthday, Jessie Redmon Fauset, Betty Mae Tiger Jumper, Coretta Scott King, Anouk Aimee, Kate Pierson. It's Day of the Uprising Against the Occupying Forces in Slovenia. Mission: Let's act Slovenian. POSUMNJATI!

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Apr 20, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

April 20. In 1653, Oliver Cromwell dissolved the Rump Parliament. In 1657, the Jews of New Amsterdam (later NYC) were granted freedom of religion. In 1832, Hot Springs National Park was created by an act of Congress, setting it aside as the first recreational preserve. In 1837, the power loom was patented. In 1862, Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard disproved the theory of spontaneous generation. In 1902, the Curies isolated radium. In 1959, Dolly Parton's first single "Puppy Love" was released. In 1972, Apollo 16 landed on the moon. In 1999, 13 people were killed in the Columbine High School massacre. In 2008, Danica Patrick became the first woman to win an indy car race (Indy Japan 300). Happy Birthday, Dinah Craik, George Takei, Betty Cuthbert, Edie Sedgwick, Jessica Lange. It's Cannabis Culture Day and Chinese Language Day. Mission: 劾.

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Apr 13, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

April 13. In 1613, Samuel Argall captured Pocahontas in Virginia and ransomed her for English prisoners held by her father. In 1796, the first elephant arrived in the US from India. In 1829, the English Parliament granted freedom of religion to Catholics, as well as the right to vote and to sit in Parliament. In 1860, the first mail was delivered via Pony Express--St. Joseph, MO, to Sacramento, CA. In 1919, Eugene Debs was imiprisoned in Georgia for speaking out against the draft during WW1. In 1958, Van Cliburn became the first American to win the Tchaikovsky International Piano Contest in Moscow. In 1964, Sidney Poitier became the first African-American to win an Oscar for best actor. In 1979, the world's longest doubles ping-pong match ended after 101 hours. In 1990, the Soviet union took responsibility for the WW2 murders of thousands of imprisoned Polish officers in the Katyn Forest, which they had previously blamed on the Nazis. In 1997, Tiger Woods became the youngest person (21) to win the Masters and to set a record with his 18 under par score. Happy Birthday, Josephine Butler, Madalyn Murray O'Hair, Eudora Welty, Ruby Puryear Hearn, Rae Armantrout, Amy Goodman. It's Unfairly Prosecuted Persons Day in Slovakia. Mission: Prosecute the right people. I can think of one in particular.

 

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Apr 6, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

April 6. In 1712, the New York Slave Revolt began near Broadway for which 21 men were eventually executed. In 1808, John Jacob Astor incorporated the American Fur Company, turning him into the first American millionaire. In 1830, Mexico disallowed emigration into Texas by US settlers (Ha!). In 1903, French Army Nationalists were found to have forged documents to guarantee the conviction of Alfred Dreyfus. In 1916, Charlie Chaplin (26) signed a $675,000 contract making him the highest paid film star in the world. In 1917, America entered World War 1. In 1941, Germany invaded Yugoslavia and Greece. In 1962, the Russian newspaper Pravda warned youth about the dangers of tw isting. In 1963, the Kingsmen recorded "Louie Louie." Happy Birthday, Rose Schneiderman, Dorothy Donegan, Jeanne Hebuterne, Leonora Carrington, Helen Berman. It's Tartan Day. Mission: Twist and shout. Wear plaid.

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Mar 30, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

March 30. In 1855, 5000 Missourians invaded Kansas and forced the election of a pro-slavery legislature. (There's something familiar about this.) In 1858, Hyman Lipman patented the pencil. In 1867, the US bought Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million. In 1870, the 15th Amendment, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race, was passed by Congress. In 1939, Batman was introduced in the comic book "Detective Comics #27." In 1946, the Allies seized 1000 Nazis trying to revive the party in Frankfurt. In 1950, President Truman denounced Senator Joe McCarthy as a saboteur. In 1958, the Alvin Ailey Dance Theater gave its first performance. In 1981, President Reagan, James Brady and two police officers were shot by John Hinckley Jr. Happy Birthday, Astrud Gilberto, Lene Lovich, Tracy Chapman, Secretariat, Norah Jones. It's National Doctors' Day & Spiritual Baptist/Shouter Liberation Day. Mission: Shout against this heinous machine. Denounce the saboteurs of democracy.

 

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Mar 23, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

March 23. In 1775, Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty or give me death!" in a speech in Richmond, VA. In 1794, Josiah Pierson patented a rivet machine. In 1806, Lewis and Clark reached the Pacific coast. In 1839, "OK" was first printed in the Boston Morning Post. In 1840, the first successful photo of the Moon was taken. In 1857, Elisha Otis installed the first modern passenger elevator in a public building in NYC. In 1868, the University of California was founded in Oakland. In 1880, John Stevens patented teh grain crushing mill that increased flour production by 70%. In 1901, Dame Nellie Melba revealed the secret to her toast. In 1912, the Dixie Cup was invented. In 1932, the Norris-LaGuardia Act established workers' right to strike. In 1933, Germany adopted the Enabling Act that effectively granted Hitler dictatorial legislative powers. In 1942, the US government began evacuating Japanese-Americans from West Coast homes to detention centers. In 1972, Evel Knievel broke 93 bones after jumping 35 cars. In 1998, Germany's largest bank pledged $3.1 million to Jewish foundations as restitution for Nazi looting. Happy Birthday, Susan Jane Cunningham, Emmy Noether, Bette Nesmith Graham, Chaka Khan, Catherine Keener. it's Hungarian-Polish Friendship Day and World Meteorological Day. Mission: Be riveting. P.S. Any Hungarians out there? Wanna be friends?

 

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Mar 16, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

March 16. In 1190, the Crusaders began massacring the Jews of York. (I guess they didn't get last week's direction). In 1521, Magellan reached the Phillippines but the natives killed him the next month. In 1850, THE SCARLET LETTER was published. In 1883, Susan Hayhurst became the first woman to graduate from pharmacy school. In 1935, Hitler ordered Germany to re-arm in violation of the Treaty of Versailles. In 1950, Congress voted to remove federal taxes on oleomargarine. In 1963, "Puff the Magic Dragon" was released. In 1968, US troops destroyed a village of women and children in the My Lai massacre. In 1993, France declared ostrich meat fit for human consumption. In 1994, Tonya Harding was fined $100,000 and banned from amateur figure skating for her role in the Nancy Kerrigan attack. In 1995, Mississippi ratified the 13th Amendment, becoming the last state to approve the abolition of slavery 130 years after its official ratification. (Mississippi, you shame us over and over.) In 2003, American activist Rachel Corrie was killed in Rafah. Happy Birthday, Anna Atkins, Rosa Bonheur, Fannie Dillon, Ethel Anderson, Nancy Wilson. It's Day of the Book Smugglers in Lithuania. Mission: Use butter.  

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Mar 9, 2019

Saturday  Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

March 9. In 1496, Jews were expelled from Carintha, Austria. In 1497, Copernicus recorded the first astronomical observation. In 1562, kissing in public was banned in Nipples, I mean, Naples. In 1689, Thomas Shadwell became the English Poet Laureate after John Dryden refused to swear an oath of allegiance. In 1745, the first carillon bells were shipped to America. In 1822, the first artifical teeth were patented. In 1841, the Supreme Court ruled the kidnapped slaves from the Spanish schooner Amistad were free. In 1842, gold was discovered at Rancho San Francisco. In 1918, the Jews of Seredino Buda were massacred by Ukrainian mobs. In 1926, Bertha Landes became the first female mayor of Seattle. In 1936, the German press warned all Jews who voted would be arrested. In 1959, the first radar contact was made with Venus. On the same day, Barbie made her debut at the American Toy Fair. In 1960, the first shunt was implanted.  In 1964, the first Ford Mustang was produced. In 1986, the remains of the Challenger astronauts were found. In 1997, Notorious B.I.G. was killed in LA. Happy Birthday, Vita Sackville-West, Keely Smith, Raul Julia, Keri Hulme, Juliette Binoche. It's Teachers' Day in Lebanon. Mission: Don't sign oaths of allegiance to anything but kindness and generosity and art. And leave the Jews alone, for Christ's sake.

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Mar 2, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

March 2. In 1127, Charles the Good was assassinated (and it's been downhill ever since). In 1807, Congress passed an act prohibiting the importation of slaves from any foreign country. In 1836, Texas declared independence from Mexico. In 1859, the Great Slave Auction (largest in US history) began. In 1877, although Samuel Tilden won the popular vote, Rutherford Hayes was declared President. (Argggghhh) In 1908, three-dimensional color photography was introduced in Paris. In 1917, the Russian Revolution began. On the same day, citizens of Puerto Rico were granted US citizenship. In 1933, "King Kong" premiered.In 1946, Ho Chi Minh was elected President of North Vietnam. In 1962, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points against the Knicks. In 1963, CDs were released for the first time in the US. In 1985, the US approved a screening test for AIDS, keeping contaminated blood out of the blood supply. In 1990, Nelson Mandela was elected deputy President of the African National Congress. In 2017, Moscovium, Tennessine and Oganesson were officially added to the periodic table. Happy birthday, Susanna M. Salter, Theodor Seuss Geisel, Tamara Toumanova, Lou Reed, Karen Carpenter. It's Peasants' Day in Myanmar. Mission: Let's get rid of all this contamination by the greedy.

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Feb 23, 2019

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

February 23. In 1813, the first American raw-cotton-to-cloth mill was founded in Waltham, MA. In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began. In 1861, President Lincoln arrived secretly in DC to take office after an assassination attempt in Baltimore. That same day, Texas seceded from the Union.(Babies.) In 1886, Charles Hall completed his invention of aluminum. In 1896, the Tootsie Roll was introduced. In 1898, Emile Zola was imprisoned for accusing the French government of anti-Semitism in the jailing of Alfred Dreyfus. In 1919, the Fascist Party was formed in Italy. (In 2019, 100 years laters, it continued to flourish in America.) In 1941, plutonium was first produced and isolated. In 1974, the SLA demanded a $4 million ransom for the release of Patty Hearst. In 2000, Robby Knievel jumped 200 feet over an oncoming train on a motocycle. Happy Birthday, Emma Willard, Agnes Royden, Mary Francis Shura, Sylvia Chase, Rebecca Goldstein. Mission: Leap. Chew. Smash the patriarchy.

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Oct 27, 2018

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

October 27. In 1659, William Robinson and Marmaduke Steveson became the first Quakers to be executed in America. (Yes, Quakers are very bad hombres.) In 1858, Roland Macy opened a department store. It was his 8th business venture after 7 fails. In 1925, water skis were patented. In 1938, DuPont announced "nylon" as the new name for its synthetic yarn. In 1967, Catholic priest Philip Berrigan and the "Baltimore Four" poured blood on Selective Service records to protest the Vietnam War. In 1973, a 1.4kg meteorite struck Canon City, CO. In 1998, Peggy Lee became mute from a serious stroke. Happy Birthday, Sigrid Hjerten, Lee Krasner, Sylvia Plath, Maxine Hong Kingston, Fran Lebowitz. It's Flag Day in Greece. Mission: Honor the American flag by voting out these traitorous, greedy, corrupt zombies. P.S. Don't put your head in the oven--no matter how bad it seems.

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Oct 20, 2018

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

October 20. In 1774, the new Continental Congress passed an order "discouraging horse racing, gaming, cock fighting, exhibitions of shows, plays and other expensive diversions and entertainment." In 1944, Belgrade and Dubrovnik were liberated. In 1947, the misguided House Un-American Activities Committee opened hearings into alleged Communist influence in the movie industry. In 1952, the Mau Mau uprising against white settlers began in Kenya. In 1955, Harry Belafonte recorded "The Banana Boat Song (Day-O)." In 1968, Jackie married Aristotle. In 1973, Nixon fired US Attorney General Richardson & Deputy Attorney General Ruckelshaus after they refused to fire Watergate special prosecutor Cox, who was finally fired by Robert Bork (known as the Saturday Night Massacre.) Happy Birthday, Isabelle de Charriere, Arthur Rimbaud, Enolia McMillan, Bobby Seale, Julie Payette. It's Revolution Day in Guatelmala, Heroes' Day in Kenya and Vietnamese Women's Day. Mission: VOTE TO SAVE AMERICA from the rising fascism, white supremacy, barbarism, constant lying, corruption, slime, greed, and utter zombie-ism of the current bullshit administration of cowards as if your life depended on it--because, of course, it does.

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Oct 13, 2018

Saturday Morning Post.

Saturday Morning Post.

October 13. In 1582, because of the adoption of the Gregorian calendar, this day actually did not exist in Italy, Poland, Portugal or Spain. In 1908, Margaret Travers Symons burst into the UK Parliament and became the first woman to speak there. In 1953, an ultrasonic burglar alarm was patented. In 1962, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" opened on Broadway. Also in 1962, the Pacific Northwest experienced a cyclone equal to a Category 3 hurricane. Forty-six people died. In 1963, the Beatles appeared on the first major British TV show ("Sunday Night at the Palladium.") In 1970, Janis Joplin's ashes were scattered off the coast of California. In 2010, the 33 Chilean miners arrived at the surface after 69 days underground. Happy Birthday, Mary Kingsley, Lenny Bruce, Nana Mouskouri, Shirley Caesar, Paul Simon. It's International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction. Mission: Resist natural disasters. Vote the zombies OUT.

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